Can I say a whole-hearted yes to this?
One of the most frequent—and surprisingly difficult—topics that arises in coaching conversations is how to say “No.” It’s a challenge that often catches people off guard. Sometimes, it stems from a desire to maintain a reputation for being efficient and dependable. Other times, it’s about feeling valued—being the person others rely on. But more often than not, in my experience, it’s driven by a deep reluctance to let others down. That’s something I personally relate to. I’ve certainly found myself taking on too much, driven by good intentions, only to feel overwhelmed and even a little resentful when I realise that much of the work isn’t really mine to own.
Recently, I revisited Mark Forster’s book, and came across what I believe is the most practical and compassionate advice on how to say “No.” He suggests asking yourself one simple, reflective question whenever someone makes a request:
“Can I say a whole-hearted yes to this?”
If the answer is yes—go for it. But if not, he offers a respectful and honest response:
“I have a rule that I never take anything on unless I can make a whole-hearted commitment to it, and I don’t believe I can in this case.”
Of course, there are times when we don’t have the luxury of choice. But in leadership, where demands often exceed available time, learning to say “No” with integrity is not just a skill—it’s a necessity. It allows us to protect our energy, focus on what truly matters, and lead with authenticity.
Questions for reflection:
How often do I say yes to things when I really should say no? What could be behind my inclination to say yes too readily?
If I were to embrace the “whole-hearted yes” idea, how would things be different for me?
Is there anything I am currently doing that it would be possible to stop doing?
When I am next in a situation where something is asked of me, what can I do or say to avoid a default yes?
-Andy Matheson